The problem with wanting everything to be perfect is that nothing ever is.
I haven’t written in quite some time simply because I didn’t feel I had a perfect time, or the perfect content to write about. I didn’t feel like I could put the perfect words to paper and actually get out all that has been in my mind, but here I am. Not in the perfect place, not at the perfect time, and not even close to the perfect words.
My mind has been racing for months on end I would venture to even say years. My mind has been filled to the brim with what-ifs scenarios and to-do lists that never seem to end. And recently I’ve discovered most of my thought is filtered through this small film of fear. One that has hidden deep in my core beliefs. Beliefs of myself, others, situations, and even my perspectives. I say all this because it’s honestly where I’ve been trapped for a long time and there is no way I’m the only one.
With the state of our world and trying to raise littles up within this chaos I’ve struggled with looming anxiety on a day-to-day hour to an hourly basis. But did I know it? Not exactly. Isn’t that just like the enemy? To creep into the small areas and hide. To speak lies as he did to Eve in the garden. Waiting for the lies to take root under the radar until it starts destroying the very truth that God spoke over you. Just like Eve. She was enough. She was always enough. She was created in the very image of God and walked closely to Him. Yet the enemy told her she was missing out and that she would not be fully satisfied until she tasted the forbidden fruit. He told her she wasn’t enough. It’s not always that obvious though. My lies have come in the form of trying to make others happy over me so they wouldn’t reject me. Not taking time to take care of myself because everyone else needed to come first. Trying to control every situation because I had experienced what life felt like for so long out of control. The list goes on folks. Finally, after years of essentially burning out the only emotion that I started experiencing was anger and irritation toward the very people I loved the most. It’s because I was running on empty. I had nothing to give because my life has been filled with noise. Constant noise. Constant things to do, and constant distractions and I had taken no time to simply be who I was created to be. You see I THRIVE in the quiet. I would drive hours into the mountains to just sit by a waterfall or hike without people. No, I’m not completely introverted, but I have discovered when I can get away from the life I can hear God’s voice the clearest. And that is what I long for. That is what I desire the most in this life to Hear from my creator. Over the past two months, I have heard the same verse whispered over and over in my spirit.
Psalm 23:2 “He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.”
He leads me beside quiet waters… it’s only after the quiet waters that he refreshes my soul. My life has been so loud that I haven’t been able to be near Him in the way that my spirit and soul long for.
Even when my body is still my mind has been taken hostage repeatedly stating my worries over and over. But I am OVER IT! I want freedom in my mind- healing in my life and to be able to filter my emotions without a lens of fear attached. Without a looming spirit of rejection behind every word spoken. That means I need to allow God to lay me down in green pastures and lead me beside his quiet waters so that my soul can truly be refreshed. You see the word is clear. It says our SOUL would be refreshed not our spirit. God knew that living in this world would be hard. He knew that our mind, will, and emotions would need to be brought back to him over and over, and to do that we would need quietness. There is something about being still, something about quieting our mind and body that aligns us with God. So I’m working on it. Let’s say this is not a place of arrival for me, but a daily goal I’m trying to accomplish. Forget perfection friends- I’m just trying to be me.