I Honor the Battle

The tension was high. You could feel the anger rising between the people and right there in the middle of the fight there was a man. He stood still as though he had seen it all before. Taking a deep breath he turned and walked in the opposite direction leaving it all behind. As he turned he whispered to himself, ” I honor the battle, I honor the battle.” Just then his mind darted back to the war. It was as though he was re-living it all over again. He could hear the screaming from the other men, the shots fired. With one hand he reached down and with the tip of his finger he could feel it; the scar. He felt the rigid skin that had healed back together, leaving just a mark not quite big enough for others to see. It was one that would stick with him for a lifetime. It was a scar to remind him of the battle he had fought. It was all too familiar and again he said, “I honor the battle.”

“Kristi, wake up.” My husband said. He was leaving for work and was saying goodbye. It was then that I realized I was dreaming, but the words didn’t go away they just echoed in my mind over and over again. ” I honor the battle, I honor the battle.” I tried falling back asleep but to no avail, I wrote down my dream asking the Lord what it meant. It was deeper than just a figment of my imagination. It was the second night I had vividly dreamed and remembered every color, every word, and every person. I could feel the weight of this dream, of those words. What did it mean? So I asked and this is what I heard.

When a memory, scar, or thought from a battle you have fought arises, you honor the battle. You give tribute to the fight you fought and the scar it left, but you do not let it define who you are. You honor that you went through a war, but are no longer at war. Yes, I honor what I\’ve been through, but it does not define me. It will not shape me today. Yes, I have a battle scar to show for the war I fought, but I’m not fighting anymore and it’s only a scar, not a wound. So I honor the battle.

Just like the man in my dream, I see battles going on all around me with other people that are all too familiar. Marriages were being attacked, divorce papers were being written, and affairs were being had. But this is part of my story, my battle. It is a scar that I carry, but not one that defines me. The meaning of the man in my dream saying ” I honor the battle” was that he recognized the familiarity of the situation and had the strength to walk away knowing he was no longer at war. He knew that even though he carried a scar it did not define him. He honored the memory and then moved on.

I was washing my floor one evening waiting for my husband to get off work. “He should be messaging me any moment now”, I thought. It was just a hair past five. The clock ticked and just like that a half hour had gone by.”Where could he be? I thought.” I kept scrubbing the floor and before I knew it my heart was racing and the thoughts were flooding my mind. ” Why hasn’t he called yet? What if he lied to me? What if he is somewhere else, with someone else…” and then the thoughts came to a screeching halt. “LIAR!” I yelled. I finally recognized the enemies lying whispers. I stopped right where I was, with wet hands and a wet floor, and began to sob. How could I think such things I asked myself, and then I realized the enemy had taken one moment of insecurity and lied. Just a thought, but for a wife who had experienced the heartbreak of a failed marriage with an old husband it was all too real. I realized the enemy was using an old battle to lie to me and I wouldn’t have it! Later, I discovered my husband got busy and had to work over to earn extra money for our family.

Skyler is God’s tangible gift of love on earth to me. He has taught me what true faithfulness looks like and the meaning of trust and devotion. He demonstrates God’s forgiveness, grace, and love to me like nothing I have ever known. How could the pain someone else caused me still affect me ten years later? The whole situation haunted me for weeks. Until one morning when that still small voice calmed my aching heart. “It’s ok that you’re still healing Beloved.” You see, I never knew that there were still areas God was healing me of when I said “I do” to my husband Skyler. I wish it wasn’t this way, but the important thing to remember is that even though I have fought a battle and have the scars to show for it, they will not define me. Friends the enemy has no new tricks. He will try to use the battles from our past to distract us, but not today Satan. So just like the man in my dream- I honor the battle, but I will not be defined by it!